Monday, January 16, 2012

Mildly Unhinged Letters to The Editor (Gamboa Constrictor edition)

Gamboa Constrictor, Deadspin's own Harry Houdini, recently got in touch about writing a tribute to his commenting mentor, MKM.  What I received instead was a grammatically-impeccable tribute to the importance of staying on all your prescription medications.  I'm posting it anyway, because it is well done, and also so the police know where to look when this blog inexplicably goes silent in a few days...


First of all, I have to say it is an absolute honor and privilege to be asked to take the dais and provide my own special tribute to the one and only MarkKelsosMigraine. So to get a little "housekeeping" out of the way up front, I want to give a quick thanks to IronMikeGallego for the opportunity to do so.

Speaking of IronMike, I'll never forget the first time we met, mainly because I never even formed a memory of it. But it didn't take long for me to realize that this guy was one to watch. You'd be hard-pressed to come up with someone so quick to ascend to the pantheon of above-average metalurgically-named commenters, joining titanic legends such as BronzeHammer, Tinphastic, LeadNed, and, of course, Nickly. As if that weren't enough, few could argue that IronMike has since firmly entrenched himself on the list of Deadspin's top 50 funniest commenters with light-hitting infielder-themed handles, somewhere between WhynotstartYunieveryday and the legendary Walt Weiss' Fupa. Next stop, Starville, indeed.  

It is no coincidence that IronMike adopted the persona of a scrappy utility player, because he treats every thread like excessive practice. Always the /FIRST! to show up and the last to leave. I can't remember the last time he didn't comment on a post, which is why I keep it bookmarked. Seriously, I haven't seen a guy put in so much work for a +1 since the last time Jay Mariotti was invited to a wedding. But all the hard work has finally paid off, now that IronMike has arguably reinvented the genre of parody blogs of other people's parody blogs of other people's parody blogs. It certainly should come as no surprise to all 12 of his followers that he has pioneered this revolutionary brand of comedy. Followers with such prestigious names as Goulet, Alan Whickers, and, of course, Nickly.

As IronMike has evolved, so has Deadspin at large. Most would say that he is almost single-handedly responsible for the "new Deadspin"'s much-needed shift away from funny comments and towards long, rambling, "intelligent" discourse. In fact, his comments would indicate that he saw it coming long before anyone else. This transition has allowed IronMike to truly shine by consistently initiating (and then dominating) "discussions" on such diverse topics as boxing, liking boxing, masturbating to boxing, and how to masturbate while wearing boxing gloves. As far as articulate authorities on the "Sweet Science" go, IronMike is unquestionably up there among the most eloquent, right alongside golden-voiced icons like Larry Merchant, Evander Holyfield, Teddy Atlas, and, of course, Nickly. (Seriously, that dude's a huge fight fan.) 

So I may not remember meeting IronMike, but I certainly won't forget him.  And I don't think anyone else will, either. And not just because of his constant presence or his trademark "We also would have accepted"/"So-and-so approves" replies.  For it is very rare for a commenter to come along and change the rules of Deadspin. IronMike not only changed the rules, but he changed THE rule, as in Rule #1 in the Commentist Manifesto. Now that's impressive. 

Congratulations, IronMike. In a world of highly-distinguished commenters, YuDaMan.

Oh, and in closing, I like those two jokes MarkKelsosMigraine has been making for the last 5 years. Hilarious.

MKM > Gamboa Constrictor


  1. The Real Phin, For RealJanuary 16, 2012 at 9:42 PM

    I think you could have left out "mildly" on this one.

  2. In all honesty, Gamboa is a steadily great, if not underrated, commenter. Since this is tangentially related to sports, I'd equate him to a David Cone type. Secretly good, often dominating. Also probably bit of a degenerate type. Anyway, today we are all Coneheads.

    1. I don't know what you mean.

  3. That was cleverly done. Not very funny, though.

  4. Finally, some quality writing on this piece of shit blog. Constrictor's piece is like getting in the hot tub with some good-to-go 21 year old hottie. Reading the regular posts is like going home with the crazy chick you promised you'd never hook up with again; good for a little fun but you hate yourself in the morning.

  5. InternationalPoisePadsJanuary 16, 2012 at 10:48 PM

    ARGHHHH!!!! Proton ramschackle velveeta moisture!! The spoon never flagellated! Corduroys!!!! SHOULDA STAYED GONE, BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Gamboa's writing exhibits all the class and promise of a Kat Von D engagement.

  7. I'll never forget the first time we met, mainly because I never even formed a memory of it

    -Terri Schiavo