Whoooooooaa Unfunndy! (Profiles in Commenters who aren't as good as MKM: Polk Panther)

If I had any artistic integrity, I'd stop right there, because I've never seen Polk Panther use text for anything other than to let everyone know he has cancer.  What, you didn't know Polk has cancer?  Weird, because I've received enough radiation from my cell phone screen just reading his posts and tweets about cancer that I'm pretty sure I could give him a dose of chemo just by smiling at one of his jokes, but that's not likely to happen.

Nope, all we know about Polk Panther is that he likes to use Photoshop and he really enjoys that shot of Jason Whitlock sleeping on a couch.  He has gotten more mileage out of that photo than a Prius owner on the moon.  Oh, and that he has cancer.

Most of Polk's photoshops were pretty funny the first time he did them.  I think we all remember when he auspiciously burst onto the scene with this.  Since then, he's done approximately 4,000 different photoshop comments, which have collectively incorporated about four total photographs.  He is like the Taco Bell of commenters, everything he does is just a different arrangement of the same four basic ingredients.

Anyway, I am seriously glad you beat cancer, man.  That's great, and hopefully we'll wipe out that wretched disease in our lifetime. And I have a little tip, if you're ever going to try to do a funny photoshop bit to playfully needle a friend, do NOT run a google image search for "cancer."  Not fun.  Stick to "cancer ribbon."  Trust me on that one.

Anyway,

MKM > Polk Panther




UPDATE: I should be clear: I do not think cancer is in any way funny.  It's claimed my friends and family, as I'm sure it has done to many of you.  I do, however, think it's funny to make fun of someone for talking about his cancer nonstop, which is why I'm very comfortable making jokes about Rex Ryan's relationship with Santonio Holmes.

Here's What Raysism Would Probably Say If He Were Allowed To Write A Column on Why Raysism Is The Most Raysismistically Raysismexcellent Commenter in the World (Profiles in Commenters Who Are Nowhere Near As Good As MKM)

Raysism got in touch and wanted to know if he could write a guest piece about his favorite commenter, Raysism.  I said no, but then I felt bad, because I had just spoken to fucking Raysism, and no one should have to endure that shit.  So, anyway, here's what I imagine Raysism's profile would have looked like, if I'd allowed him to write one.

Pictured: Raysism, feeling composed

That's you.  That's how you comment.

MKM > Raysism


UPDATE:  For every action, there is an equal and totally batshit reaction.

Hack Snake, Moan (Profiles in Commenters Who Aren't As Good As MKM: Gamboa Constrictor)

It is difficult, and more than a little intimidating, to profile a commenter who is best known for a freakish dedication to obscure grammatical rules and not for, say, the actual content of his comments.  But, his side gig with the Chicago Manual of Style isn't his only plus: Gamboa Constrictor also has one of the best screen names on Deadspin.  Okay, now I think we've covered all the good stuff.

That isn't true.  Gamboa is actually a perfectly competent commenter who is always capable of bringing down the house, provided the house in question is one of those abandoned flop houses in some deserted Michigan neighborhood that has already been picked clean by junkies and hobos.  And that deserted neighborhood is probably a good metaphor for Gamboa in general: a sad hollow shell of what it once was; filled with people properly utilizing dashes -- albeit usually to get away from some crackhead with a broken Cisco bottle; and, of course, overly dependent on the use of slashes to make a point.

Now, let me correct one misapprehension about Gamboa.  It's easy to look at the violent avatar and some of his coarser comments and get the impression he's some sort of badass.  But ask yourself: when was the last time you got jumped by some dude who was irate about your use of guillemets on the Internet?  Feel safer around him now?  I thought so.

So, Gamboa, keep on bringing those /fixed comments and making sure that people keep their periods inside the fucking quotation marks.  We couldn't have passed our Creative Writing courses without you.

Pictured: Gamboa Really Forcing A Joke On An Unwilling Audience

MKM > Gamboa Constrictor

Armen Dangerous (Profiles in Commenters Who Aren't as Good as MKM: Armen Tamzarian)

Armen Tamzarian is charming, infectiously likable, and a much worse commenter than MKM.   If any commenter - other than MKM, of course - should have his own late night talk show, he's the guy.  He exudes that sort of silly, friendly, welcoming appeal that could put anyone around him at ease, while also delivering the sort of bland, inoffensive humor that would put the viewers at home to sleep faster than an Ambien Colada.  He's Deadspin's own Byron Allen.

As a commenter, Armen is best analogized to the sort of character that children create in sports video games.  It's as if someone assigned all his points to "power," with zero to "contact," so that he strikes out 99% of the time, and then crushes a 700-foot home run.  In Deadspin, this equates to posting a couple dozen Simpsons JPGs without supporting text,* followed by something like this.  In this sense, it's almost perfectly appropriate that he named himself after a character from one of the all-time worst episodes of one of TV's all-time funniest shows.  He's Deadspin's own Rob Deer.

I close with a personal and almost entirely true story.  When I was a newly minted commenter, I remember posting a comment about which I immediately felt a twinge of regret.  It was just a little too corny for this place, and I was convinced it would cost me my brand new star.  But, only moments later, I had a reply.  It was from Armen.  Instantly, I was at ease.  There's no way the ninja would take my star for something that got positive feedback from another starred commenter, right? [ed note. Yes.  Yes, there absolutely is.]  I resolved then and there that I would absolutely return the +1 for the next even passably-humorous comment that this wonderful man, Armen, made.   And I did just that, about three months later.

Cheers to you, Armen!  Besides MKM, there is no Deadspin commenter I would rather have a beer with than you.**

MKM > Armen Tamzarian, but we're all love you, buddy! 

*Copyright, Norbizness (2010)

** For the purposes of this statement, I am going to assume that Jennifer Aniston is not a Deadspin commenter.  And also that Gamboa Constrictor, EddieMurraySparkles, Sheed's Bald Spot, and Steve_U are, in fact, Jennifer Aniston.

Mildly Unhinged Letters to the Editor (Same Sad Echo edition)

Same Sad Echo, Deadspin's leading Buzz Killington impressionist and sub-MKM commenter, was the subject of one of our profiles this morning.  Based upon an impassioned and needlessly prolix response on twitter (which he probably lifted directly from Sharting), he has been given the opportunity to post a rebuttal.  Oddly enough, it's really long and especially unfunny.  Enjoy?

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. He then created the sky, and day and night and trees and animals. He was on an awesome tear, but I’m guessing he got distracted by something shiny, because he forgot to create professional boxing and hip-hop. Which was kind of a shame, because IronMikeGallego has been bored stiff for the last six thousand years.

[crickets]

Ha ha. Yes, making fun of IMG for being old is a bit of a meme, isn’t it? Like UweBullocks [ed: sic; sick?]  killing people in his basement, or Phintastic and his Sneetch-like star problems, or Hatey McLife being funny.

Did you know that it only took IMG two comments to get his star? It’s true. One comment to get approved, and his star on the next. That must be a record. You know what else is a record? Pocketful of Kryptonite by the Spin Doctors. That record sold over five million copies. Records don’t mean shit.

IMG has done a nice job with this little blog, cleverly lampooning other commenters. But where, one asks, does IMG fit into the equation? How can we explain it? Let’s take it frame-by-frame it, shall we?

In 1984 a triumph of cinema was created. This masterpiece is better known as The Karate Kid. There are some interesting parallels to be drawn here. Clearly, comment_ninja is Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki “Pat” Morita). Sure, he may snap a neck or two, but ultimately he’s using his powers for good. Daniel (Ralph Macchio) represents none of us and all of us at the same time; his transformation from scrawny-necked geek to a scrawny-necked geek who wins a karate tournament is a similar journey to any commenter who starts out pink, turns gray, and gets a star. We had to do it without a kick-ass theme song, so I’d say we’re much tougher.

Eddie Murray Sparkles is Ali (Elizabeth Shue), for obvious reasons.

But we need to dig a little deeper to get to the heart of the matter. Enter, if you dare, into the Cobra Kai dojo. MKM, by virtue of being the subject of this blog, is the dastardly sensei. Now, I don’t think MKM could punch his way out of a My Fair Lady handbill, and I’ve yet to hear him make a racist remark about any southeast Asians, but this is taking longer than I expected so let’s move on.

Clearly, IMG lacks the leadership, charisma or strong jawline to be Johnny (William Zabka). In addition, IMG would have no problem taking out the knee of an opponent, either that of a fellow competitor or an old lady in front of him at the Safeway who is paying for her cat food with a check, and complaining that her children never call her any more, oh and did you know her bursitis is acting up and she doesn’t understand Medicare Part and why do kids wear their pants so low.

So who’s left? Jerry? Oh, you’re not sure who Jerry is? He’s the tall, thin guy. Short haircut. Doesn’t make it very far in the tourney, and seems a bit conflicted about his role in the ongoing bullying of Daniel. Doesn’t get a lot of lines. If you think I’m gonna call him “the black guy” you’re sorely mistaken you hood-wearing racists.

Which leaves us Dutch. You remember Dutch, with his stupid haircut and his “get him a body bag” sensibilities. Dutch, who, like IMG…you know, the analogies are falling apart here a bit. I’m kinda surprised you made it this far, actually. Do you really have nothing better to do on a Sunday? God that’s depressing. I mean, IMG is paying me a hundred bucks to write this, so I’ve got good reason to be here. What’s your excuse? Your “girlfriend” go back to visit her family in the Niagara Falls region? Staying in to catch up on the new Doctor Who? Pinned under your garage door while rats chew your ears? God you nerds make me sick.

So anyway, IMG. He’s ok, I guess. Whatever.

Oh, that's so funny, dude!  +1!!1!

MKM > Tebow as a Deadspin Commenter > Same Sad Echo

An Unnecessarily Long and Unfunny Conversation About Same Sad Echo (Profiles in Commenters Who Aren't as Good as MKM)

Same Sad Echo is to Deadspin commenting what the third-class cabin was on the Titanic: something that exists solely to fill in a bunch of unneeded and unwanted empty space with any undesirable ballast available.  Same Sad Echo is All Over But The Sharting without the Olive Garden bit, which is approximately the same thing as saying that he's BuDaMan with a star.  How did this come about - there's only one way Same Sad Echo would explore this matter (because it appears to be the only way he is capable of expressing himself): a long-form dialogue!

IMG:  So, Echo, can you explain to me why you always do long-form dialogue jokes?

SSE:  Oh, sure, it's simple, IMG.  The more I write, the greater the chance I have of scoring a laugh.

IMG:  I'm not sure I follow.

SSE:  Well, you see, if I were just to write "a joke," I'd only have one chance to nail the punchline.  By writing something that goes on forever, I have literally infinite chances to fall ass-backwards into something that elicits a slight titter.

IMG:  But why not just write out the mildly-amusing part, and cut off all the ridiculous fat around it, thereby saving both you and the reader lots of time?

SSE:  Ridiculous fat?  Oh man, you just made me think about Kirstie Alley making out with the guys from my avatar.  That's hysterical; obese people are funny.  Anyway, your question is easy.  Because I actually have no idea what the funny part is.  But I've found that if I write enough, people will give me a +1.  Who knows, maybe there is no funny part, maybe they just feel bad that I wrote so much and want to make me feel better about it.  Or maybe they just see that someone else gave it a +1, don't want to read it all themselves, and just give it a +1 so they feel like they were in on the joke, too.   I don't know.  I'm not a mind reader.  I'm no Amazing Johnathan.

IMG:  So, if you don't know what you're going to write, and don't know when you've delivered the punchline, how do you know when to wrap up your joke?

SSE:  Oh, that's the easiest part.  Once my fingers start to get tired from all the typing, I just have something absurdly violent happen to one of the characters, usually in brackets, and bang, joke is complete.

IMG: [hires chimp to rip own face off]

And, fin.  +1!!!1!!

Pictured: The Crushing Feeling of a SSE Joke Manifested Physically.

MKM > Same Sad Echo > StuartScottsEye

Lionel Os-borin' (Profiles in Commenters Who Aren't As Good As MKM)

Lionel Osbourne is 14 years old and has a more vivid recollection of 1980s pop culture than Kurt Loder in the midst of a three-day coke binge.   And that's the least weird aspect of him.  The guy's chief interests appear to be boxing and the musical theater which, while obviously demonstrating impeccable taste, are about as compatible with his demographic profile as Lindsay Lohan is with a graphing calculator.   The guy could not be more of an anachronism if Emmitt Smith were reviewing a Sex Pistols album in Utopia, Ohio.

There's no denying that Lionel is a passable, albeit comfortably sub-MKMite, commenter.  His schtick consists of either making an oblique reference to an obscure 1980s sitcom that aired only in Tajikistan, or recontextualizing some particularly graphic section of text so that it is attributed to one of his grandparents, which would be far more hilarious if his grandparents weren't in their early 30s.

The enigma that is Mr. Osbourne is likely to continue for at least a little bit longer, but thanks to the latest cutting-edge technology, there is finally a at least the opportunity to contrast Lionel's public persona with a sophisticated computer-derived composite image of the actual Lionel.  That's fantastic.

Pictured: Lionel Osbourne's Public Persona

Compare: Composite Sketch of Actual Lionel Osbourne 

MKM > Lionel Osbourne

Profile in Commenters Who Aren't As Good As MKM: SirTruthington

Pictured: Lionel Osbourne

MKM > SirTruthington

Hack Daniels (Profiles in Commenters who Aren't as Good as MKM: Bevraj of Choice)

Let's just get the elephant in the room out of the way up front: yes, about two weeks ago, Bevraj of Choice was named Deadspin Commenter of the Year.  But, you have to understand, Bev wound up getting the COTY for the same reason that Christian Ponder wound up being a first-round draft pick: because none of the top choices were available.  You see, 2011 was an interesting year for Deadspin commenters.  Following the Gawker account hack in late 2010 and the -- charitably -- Netflix-esque redesign rollout in early 2011, the Deadspin commenting bench was shallower than Kim Kardashian wearing a Louis Vuitton bikini in a drained kiddie pool at the Palms Las Vegas.  If you were a Deadspin commenter and had any redeeming qualities whatsoever, you basically took off the first half of 2011.  The absence of talent left the commenting landscape wide open for Bev to haplessly plug along, picking up +1s from the IPCs and Phintastics of the world.  Then, when MBA gloriously arrived on the scene, and those with actual skill returned to the site in droves, Bevraj faded anonymously into the background while hot commodities like DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver and shuttledik soaked up the attention he had traditionally received (a quick review of the positive mentions on MBA establishes that, during the time people were actually trying to be funny, Bev had significantly fewer than either me or MKM -- but, of course, MKM trumps everyone).

After cheese-mac killed MBA, and the quality of commenting on the site dropped off again, Bev showed up again, like the proverbial turtle taking the lead in a race in which all the rabbits have long since quit running because they're off at a party at the Playboy mansion or something.   Enjoy the exercise, bro!

So, Bev, I raise my glass to you.  Enjoy the COTY, buddy.   And I hear the Vikings are looking for a quarterback, if you're interested.  They probably still have some of Favre's old equipment that would fit you perfectly.

MKM > Bevraj of Choice.

don't-forget-where-you-came-from-cheese-Hack (Profiles in Commenters Who Aren't As Good As MKM)

So, I had to have an extensive debate with myself as to whether dont-forget-how-this-idiotic-screenname-ends-because-it-goes-on-for-fucking-ever is even eligible for consideration since he has effectively retired from commenting to become Deadspin editor Sean Newell, your online one-stop-shop for open threads and color-coded charts to let you know what football game you are watching if you lacked the cognitive ability to infer that information from the series of pictures leaving your television screen at the speed of light.

Because Sean is presently occupied writing two-sentence introductions to DUAN!, it's easy to forget that he was once one of Deadspin's top commenters, especially if you have that disease that Drew Barrymore had in 50 First Dates and can't remember shit that happened a few months ago.  Back in the good old days when Sean was one of us, and not some high-powered media fat cat, he actually used to post some decent comments that demonstrated Sean's tremendous range -- he could do everything from the standard sort of pun comment which gets attributed to Emmitt Smith with hilarious results to standard sorts of pun comments that were only subtly attributed to Emmitt Smith.

So, dont-forget-that-the-cast-of-Sunny-includes-dennis-charlie-mac, I salute your continued efforts.  It's just too bad you brought that weak shit so close to something this awesome. 

Pictured: What kind of asshole still likes Motley Crue?

MKM > dont-forget-that-you-were-never-as-good-as-mkm

SeanNewell unstarred IronMikeGallego

The Star-Less Express (Profiles in Commenters Who Aren't As Good As MKM: Phintastic)

What can I say about Phintastic that hasn't already been said about having a wart burned off your eyelid?  A Dolphin?  No, the guy is to Deadspin commenting what a remora is to a shark: a hideous parasitic leach that latches onto a healthy host - which actually contributes something to its eco-system - in order to feast upon the scraps the host leaves behind.  He is like some sort of awful Internet meme generator; the sort of thing that would be popular with the guy in your office who can't wait to talk to you about the continuity errors in the latest Twilight movie, and who probably has a dozen Selena Gomez posters on his wall. (Note: I do not know who Selena Gomez is, but I bet you that Phin does).  Does anyone have any doubt that Phin is the sort of guy who picks his nose and immediately smears it on whatever piece of furniture is nearest to him?  Does anyone doubt that Phin thinks that Dracula: Dead and Loving It was the finest Mel Brooks movie ever made and quotes from it ad nauseam?  Does anyone doubt that Phin ...

Oh, you know what, shit.  I was thinking about Cyrus_The_Virus.  Sorry about that.  Phin's okay by me.

Pictured: Phintastic attaching himself to an unwitting host.

Anyway, MKM > Syphilis > Tebow > Phintastic

Hack-eroni and Cheese (Profiles in Commenters who aren't as Good as MKM: All Over But the Sharting edition)

I like to run this blog a lot like MKM comments: witty, topical, and of course, exceedingly repetitive.  To that end, you might have noticed my profile in commenting on UweBollocks reflected his own style.  Short, gruff, and principally making use of warmed-over tired memes.  In keeping with that theme, I present to you all tonight: The Ultimate Recipe For An All Over But The Sharting Comment.

The preparation of the perfect All Over But The Sharting comment begins with a surname of more than seven letters, preferably of Southern Italian origin.  Blend the surname gently with a dollop of traditional Italian cuisine names and two sets of HTML italics tags.  Toss liberally with a standard list of Italian food ingredients, the TV Guide description of tonight's episode of Top Chef, and heavy cream.  Sprinkle lightly with Olive Garden references.  The joke should then be cooked longer than necessary until the humor forms a thick black crust that flakes off with the slightest touch.  For presentation, the joke should then be placed to the side while a random new character is introduced to commit some act of violence or desecration against the protagonist.  Season with whiskey to taste, or until the audience finds it amusing.  Fin.

MKM > All Over But The Sharting

Profiles of Commenters Who Aren't As Good As MKM: UweBollocks

UweBollocks, ladies and gentlemen.  Putting the "hack" back in "gruesome hacksaw murders."

MKM > UweBollocks