50 Days of HATE- The Intro

For the next 50 days, our balog is going to have a focus. Well, the writeups are, anyway. Starting today, and continuing up until Halloween, that focus will be music. Bad music.

I know what you're thinking. Aren't there enough music blogs out there? Yes. But, to the best of my knowledge, there are zero music balogs. And there are zero that double as forums to make Guy Who comments about the comments on another site or generally spew gibberish. MKMOT isn't going away. The rules haven't changed.

I can't stress that point enough. This is still going to be your open thread. Maybe you'll use the music as a jumping off point for discussion, maybe it will prove completely irrelevant, but this idea is largely inspired by things I've seen in your previous comment history. This list is bound to breed some controversy, and controversy is what you all do so well.

That being said, it's going to be 100% genuine. Literally zero research was done. My selections are nothing more that an honest reflection of songs that my ears tell my brain to tell my heart to HATE, and are not designed to manufacture any artificial outrage. Some won't be controversial at all, but others are likely to have me pilloried. I welcome this, as long as the tomatoes being fired at me were planted with the same seeds of honesty as the selections that made me their target.

The writeups will vary. Some may be long tirades, others may contain songs that are best presented without comment. I have no doubt that you will offer your own suggestions, and I welcome it. But it won't influence the next 50 posts. I've made the list, and I've checked it twice. It has to do with lots of hatin' and it ain't nuthin' nice.

I apologize for what I'm about to put your ears through. But remember who the real perpetrators are. I'm merely doing a retrospective on their heinous crimes. And so it begins...

MKMOT (July 31, 2012)

Guys, it's been horrible over there. I hate to put it so bluntly, but I don't know another way. As a result, it's been weak over here, too, and that doesn't bode well for our continuation. I make no bones about the fact that we rely on them, and you guys, to provide us with material. I wake up, write a couple sentences of gibberish, and hope it leads to some better gibberish below. Anything more than that has never been my plan.

This is a place to vent. It looks like we might have reached the point where there isn't much left to vent about. The bad comments over there now are so prevalent that before you can begin tearing one down, it is exceeded in derpitude by its own reply, and the next post takes it to yet another level. Burners have set fire to the place, and enough time has passed to safely declare that things will never be what they once were.   Acceptance may have set in. And that's OK. They're not in the business of providing a silly balog with stupid fodder. But it makes this place dull, and dull is the worst thing I can see on any given day.

The most interesting discussion in recent days has been about cola. That's OK, I suppose, but I can't be expected to provide you with such meaty topics day in and day out. I'm a balogger, not a journalist. So I don't know what our future holds, but remember, you can discuss anything you see fit here. It truly is open.

Return of the MKMOT (May 14, 2012)

Hey kids!

The name's Skeevy. Marv, if you'd like. You don't know me, but you do know CJ, and I know (one version of) CJ really, really, well. So what say we do each other a favor and employ the transitive property or some similar balogarithm and be friends? We don't have to be "besties" or anything, but we can at least tolerate each other, no? Because if there's one thing that this here balog is known for, it's tolerance. And not just because you all pound Zima so prodigiously.That's strictly coincidental.

I know it's hard to get used to new faces. Especially if you're Charla Nash!1!! But there's no need to fret. I suspect that we'll still see CJ. And maybe even IronMike. He's a busy guy, so I'm happy to help, but I want to publicly state that this will always be his baby. I know this, because it was left for me inside of a semen-stained boxing glove on my doorstep. Looking a bit malnourished, if I must say. So let's nurse her back to health, on the fruitful teats of our collective bitchtits.

Whether you're fearful of change or excited by it, the important thing here is that reports of the balog's death have been greatly exaggerated. It was just the balog's "friend" Mark, with another one of his distasteful pranks. To be honest, that guy is kind of a dick. He plays with rifles, and takes his shirt off in bars and stuff. Plus, he thinks Friends is funny. Could he be any more insufferable??? [raucous laugh track] But I digress.

I could spend all day trying to garner your approval with words, but I've got a better idea. I'm going to post a video that is both relevant and enjoyable. Below that, there will be a space. In this space, you are going to engage in all kinds of chatter, ranging from powerfully poignant to the epitome of tomfoolery. Much of it may even be in some way connected to that other site where we tend to bump into each other. Does that sound like something you might be interested in???

I hope so, because the thread is open, like the bar at any civilized wedding.

Mildly Unhinged Letters to the Editor (Same Sad Echo edition)

Same Sad Echo, Deadspin's leading Buzz Killington impressionist and sub-MKM commenter, was the subject of one of our profiles this morning.  Based upon an impassioned and needlessly prolix response on twitter (which he probably lifted directly from Sharting), he has been given the opportunity to post a rebuttal.  Oddly enough, it's really long and especially unfunny.  Enjoy?

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. He then created the sky, and day and night and trees and animals. He was on an awesome tear, but I’m guessing he got distracted by something shiny, because he forgot to create professional boxing and hip-hop. Which was kind of a shame, because IronMikeGallego has been bored stiff for the last six thousand years.

[crickets]

Ha ha. Yes, making fun of IMG for being old is a bit of a meme, isn’t it? Like UweBullocks [ed: sic; sick?]  killing people in his basement, or Phintastic and his Sneetch-like star problems, or Hatey McLife being funny.

Did you know that it only took IMG two comments to get his star? It’s true. One comment to get approved, and his star on the next. That must be a record. You know what else is a record? Pocketful of Kryptonite by the Spin Doctors. That record sold over five million copies. Records don’t mean shit.

IMG has done a nice job with this little blog, cleverly lampooning other commenters. But where, one asks, does IMG fit into the equation? How can we explain it? Let’s take it frame-by-frame it, shall we?

In 1984 a triumph of cinema was created. This masterpiece is better known as The Karate Kid. There are some interesting parallels to be drawn here. Clearly, comment_ninja is Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki “Pat” Morita). Sure, he may snap a neck or two, but ultimately he’s using his powers for good. Daniel (Ralph Macchio) represents none of us and all of us at the same time; his transformation from scrawny-necked geek to a scrawny-necked geek who wins a karate tournament is a similar journey to any commenter who starts out pink, turns gray, and gets a star. We had to do it without a kick-ass theme song, so I’d say we’re much tougher.

Eddie Murray Sparkles is Ali (Elizabeth Shue), for obvious reasons.

But we need to dig a little deeper to get to the heart of the matter. Enter, if you dare, into the Cobra Kai dojo. MKM, by virtue of being the subject of this blog, is the dastardly sensei. Now, I don’t think MKM could punch his way out of a My Fair Lady handbill, and I’ve yet to hear him make a racist remark about any southeast Asians, but this is taking longer than I expected so let’s move on.

Clearly, IMG lacks the leadership, charisma or strong jawline to be Johnny (William Zabka). In addition, IMG would have no problem taking out the knee of an opponent, either that of a fellow competitor or an old lady in front of him at the Safeway who is paying for her cat food with a check, and complaining that her children never call her any more, oh and did you know her bursitis is acting up and she doesn’t understand Medicare Part and why do kids wear their pants so low.

So who’s left? Jerry? Oh, you’re not sure who Jerry is? He’s the tall, thin guy. Short haircut. Doesn’t make it very far in the tourney, and seems a bit conflicted about his role in the ongoing bullying of Daniel. Doesn’t get a lot of lines. If you think I’m gonna call him “the black guy” you’re sorely mistaken you hood-wearing racists.

Which leaves us Dutch. You remember Dutch, with his stupid haircut and his “get him a body bag” sensibilities. Dutch, who, like IMG…you know, the analogies are falling apart here a bit. I’m kinda surprised you made it this far, actually. Do you really have nothing better to do on a Sunday? God that’s depressing. I mean, IMG is paying me a hundred bucks to write this, so I’ve got good reason to be here. What’s your excuse? Your “girlfriend” go back to visit her family in the Niagara Falls region? Staying in to catch up on the new Doctor Who? Pinned under your garage door while rats chew your ears? God you nerds make me sick.

So anyway, IMG. He’s ok, I guess. Whatever.

Oh, that's so funny, dude!  +1!!1!

MKM > Tebow as a Deadspin Commenter > Same Sad Echo

An Unnecessarily Long and Unfunny Conversation About Same Sad Echo (Profiles in Commenters Who Aren't as Good as MKM)

Same Sad Echo is to Deadspin commenting what the third-class cabin was on the Titanic: something that exists solely to fill in a bunch of unneeded and unwanted empty space with any undesirable ballast available.  Same Sad Echo is All Over But The Sharting without the Olive Garden bit, which is approximately the same thing as saying that he's BuDaMan with a star.  How did this come about - there's only one way Same Sad Echo would explore this matter (because it appears to be the only way he is capable of expressing himself): a long-form dialogue!

IMG:  So, Echo, can you explain to me why you always do long-form dialogue jokes?

SSE:  Oh, sure, it's simple, IMG.  The more I write, the greater the chance I have of scoring a laugh.

IMG:  I'm not sure I follow.

SSE:  Well, you see, if I were just to write "a joke," I'd only have one chance to nail the punchline.  By writing something that goes on forever, I have literally infinite chances to fall ass-backwards into something that elicits a slight titter.

IMG:  But why not just write out the mildly-amusing part, and cut off all the ridiculous fat around it, thereby saving both you and the reader lots of time?

SSE:  Ridiculous fat?  Oh man, you just made me think about Kirstie Alley making out with the guys from my avatar.  That's hysterical; obese people are funny.  Anyway, your question is easy.  Because I actually have no idea what the funny part is.  But I've found that if I write enough, people will give me a +1.  Who knows, maybe there is no funny part, maybe they just feel bad that I wrote so much and want to make me feel better about it.  Or maybe they just see that someone else gave it a +1, don't want to read it all themselves, and just give it a +1 so they feel like they were in on the joke, too.   I don't know.  I'm not a mind reader.  I'm no Amazing Johnathan.

IMG:  So, if you don't know what you're going to write, and don't know when you've delivered the punchline, how do you know when to wrap up your joke?

SSE:  Oh, that's the easiest part.  Once my fingers start to get tired from all the typing, I just have something absurdly violent happen to one of the characters, usually in brackets, and bang, joke is complete.

IMG: [hires chimp to rip own face off]

And, fin.  +1!!!1!!

Pictured: The Crushing Feeling of a SSE Joke Manifested Physically.

MKM > Same Sad Echo > StuartScottsEye