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Wednesday, July 25, 2012
MKMOT (July 25, 2012)
Late last night, I received the unfortunate news that the balog has lost the endorsement of the Escola Superior de Artes e Design. Or the Empire State Association of the Deaf. Or the Earth Science and Applications Division of NASA. Or the Eastern Softball Association of the Deaf. I'm not sure which.
As a result, today's post is dedicated to all the creatively expressive, hearing-impaired, keg league rocket scientists in Portugal. You have always been our target demographic. I'm sorry if we let you down.
Recently, I've been writing a very dumb series of posts in the KSK "door flies open" format for a dynasty football league that I'm in. I haven't posted them here because it is a much easier audience to please in that league, and this is some seriously stupid shit. However, Marv seems like he could use a little pick me up, so I figured I'd at least post the first one and see what happens.
Note: The posts usually have a picture or two embedded throughout, but it won't let me insert them here. Use your imagination.
-----------------------------------------------
THE CHRONICLES OF THE GRONK: EPISODE 1
7/10/2012 - The New England Patriots Weight Room
Aaron Hernandez: I'm tellin' ya, Tom. I really think I'm going to have a break out season this year. I know Rob gets all the hype, but I think if you start looking my way more often, I could really surprise some people.
Tom Brady: Huh? Ohh, umm, that's nice Aaron.
Hernandez: Seriously dude, I mean it. I really think I can make some things happen if coach puts me in a little more and you just start looking my way. I was talking to my mom about it the other day, and she really thinks I can score a lot if I get more chances.
Brady: That's weird, but yeah, I guess we'll just see what happens. Just keep working hard, buddy.
Hernandez: You know what? I don't think you're taking me seriously, but I'm serious. Here's watch this.
Hernandez drops to the ground and does 10 pushups.
Hernandez: There! Did you see that?! 10 pushups in no time! While Gronk has been out there drinking and doing sex with girls all off-season, I've been in here working hard to get better! I'm going to be great!
Brady: Umm, I-
A pint glass comes flying in through the door of the weight room and shatters on the wall behind Hernandez, soaking him with beer. In walks The Gronk.
The Gronk: Cover of The Body Issue, mother fuckers!
Hernandez: What the hell?
Brady: Brosef Stalin!
The Gronk: Sup, Bro Montana!?
Brady and The Gronk give each other a bro-hug. Real bro like and chill too.
Hernandez: Come on, you guys. This is a place of business. Some of us are trying to get our lift on in here!
The Gronk: Oh, shit! Sup, pussy? I didn't even see you there. You must have been hiding behind all of those cartoons that you drew on yourself.
Hernandez: For your information, Rob, these are tattoos, and they all have special importance to me. And I'm not a pussy, I'm a pro athlete just like you. But I'm actually working to get bigger and stronger this off-season, unlike somebody here!
The Gronk throws a copy of "The Body Issue" at Hernandez.
The Gronk: Check that shit out, bitch. Does it look like I need to do anymore work on my body?! I was carved out of the very image of Bro-Zeus himself! The only work I need to be doing right now is between the sheets, on the beach, in the hot tub, in the basement of a frat house, on a Boston rooftop, or where ever else the next piece of hot, young tail leads me!
The Gronk and Brady exchange a bro-five.
Hernandez: Are you two serious?! You're just lucky I'm working so hard in here so that if you get hurt, I'll be there to fill the void.
The Gronk: Whatever, douchsicle. Dude, Bro-Brady, you should have seen this shit, dawg. A couple of months ago, I was down in Aruba and these two pieces of pure ass fell right into my lap. They said they were 18, but I heard one of them talk about getting her license when she got home after I finished bangin' em both. I have no idea how old they actually were, but that shit happened in Aruba, so who fuckin' cares, bro?!
Hernandez: Ugh, that's just sick.
The Gronk: Now you're gettin' it! It was fuckin' sick! Railin' tail, drinkin' ale! The bro-life, bro!
Brady: God damn I wish I was young again! Now I'm tied down by my 2nd model-wife and a fuckin' family at home. I wish I could still bro-down with you out there, but you're just going to have to do double duty for me.
The Gronk: Aww damn, bro. That would be so sick!
Brady: I know, I know. Oh well. I'm outta here. Later, Brosef!
They exchange one more super-chill bro-hug. Brady leaves.
Hernandez: Umm, Rob, you know, if you're looking for somebody to "hit the town" with, I don't have anything going on tonig-
The Gronk: [Sticks his fingers in his ears.] La La La La La I can't hear you, bro! La La La La La La...
The Gronk walks out of the locker room with his fingers in his ears as he continues to make noise.
Hernandez: [sighs]
The Gronk pokes his head back into the weight room.
The Gronk: Oh, yeah. You can keep The Body Issue. It'll give you something to aspire to. Besides, I've got a mirror so I can look at that shit all day long. PUSSY!!!
Positively dying to hear some more anonymous opinions on Penn State penalties, Lane Kiffin, and who the '92 Dream Team would or would not beat! If you're reading this and you have a pulse and a keyboard, let it fly, baby!
The Paterno Family disagrees with the Hammer Statement. Once again the media has accepted another briefing without an objective, independent review. At no point were our attorneys granted access to Mr. Hammer for interviews, nor were we given a rough draft of Mr. Hammer's statement for review and approval prior to its publication. The Paterno Family will honor the memory of Joe Paterno by launching an independent investigation into the so-called "Kinja" commenting system to see if these so-called "burner accounts" are so-called "trolls", or whether they are all idiots and/or Penn State graduates. Good day.
It's all about the post. If it's some watercooler-y discussion post, it's going to attract all the yokels. The big news posts are normally all jokes at first, but then get overrun when they're past their useful shelf life by every jerkoff chiming in. But the classic Deadspin posts are almost always still crammed to the gills with jokes.
And this is not technically a "Burner", but I think a ban for this guy is a long time coming. I know the Ninjas have shown they're capable of moderating the conversation silently by moving our outright deleting comments, but I wonder whether an outright ban is even still possible.
I think Deadspin pretty much sucks now. The comments are a wasteland of Yahoo and Youtube morons, with jokes peppered in from some good folks. I barely look at one or two posts anymore.
We sailed on together We drifted apart And here you are, by my side
So now I come to you with open arms Nothing to hide, believe what I say So here I am, with open arms Hoping you'll see what your love means to me Open arms
Please. All y'all crazy. THIS is the best love song of the 80s. [clears throat]
It all came so easy, all the loving you gave me The feelings we shared And I still can remember, how you touched me so tender It told me you cared We had a once in a lifetime But I just couldn't see until it was gone A second once in a lifetime May be too much to ask but i swear from now on If ever you're in my arms again This time I'll love you much better If ever you're in my arms again This time I'll hold you forever This time we'll never end
[makes Suck It motion] /drops mic //ladies drop panties
I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight, I've never seen you shine so bright, I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance, They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance, And I have never seen that dress you're wearing, Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes, I have been blind;
The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek, There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I want to be, But I hardly know this beauty by my side, I'll never forget the way you look tonight;
Recently, I've been writing a very dumb series of posts in the KSK "door flies open" format for a dynasty football league that I'm in. I haven't posted them here because it is a much easier audience to please in that league, and this is some seriously stupid shit. However, Marv seems like he could use a little pick me up, so I figured I'd at least post the first one and see what happens.
ReplyDeleteNote: The posts usually have a picture or two embedded throughout, but it won't let me insert them here. Use your imagination.
-----------------------------------------------
THE CHRONICLES OF THE GRONK: EPISODE 1
7/10/2012 - The New England Patriots Weight Room
Aaron Hernandez: I'm tellin' ya, Tom. I really think I'm going to have a break out season this year. I know Rob gets all the hype, but I think if you start looking my way more often, I could really surprise some people.
Tom Brady: Huh? Ohh, umm, that's nice Aaron.
Hernandez: Seriously dude, I mean it. I really think I can make some things happen if coach puts me in a little more and you just start looking my way. I was talking to my mom about it the other day, and she really thinks I can score a lot if I get more chances.
Brady: That's weird, but yeah, I guess we'll just see what happens. Just keep working hard, buddy.
Hernandez: You know what? I don't think you're taking me seriously, but I'm serious. Here's watch this.
Hernandez drops to the ground and does 10 pushups.
Hernandez: There! Did you see that?! 10 pushups in no time! While Gronk has been out there drinking and doing sex with girls all off-season, I've been in here working hard to get better! I'm going to be great!
Brady: Umm, I-
A pint glass comes flying in through the door of the weight room and shatters on the wall behind Hernandez, soaking him with beer. In walks The Gronk.
The Gronk: Cover of The Body Issue, mother fuckers!
DeleteHernandez: What the hell?
Brady: Brosef Stalin!
The Gronk: Sup, Bro Montana!?
Brady and The Gronk give each other a bro-hug. Real bro like and chill too.
Hernandez: Come on, you guys. This is a place of business. Some of us are trying to get our lift on in here!
The Gronk: Oh, shit! Sup, pussy? I didn't even see you there. You must have been hiding behind all of those cartoons that you drew on yourself.
Hernandez: For your information, Rob, these are tattoos, and they all have special importance to me. And I'm not a pussy, I'm a pro athlete just like you. But I'm actually working to get bigger and stronger this off-season, unlike somebody here!
The Gronk throws a copy of "The Body Issue" at Hernandez.
The Gronk: Check that shit out, bitch. Does it look like I need to do anymore work on my body?! I was carved out of the very image of Bro-Zeus himself! The only work I need to be doing right now is between the sheets, on the beach, in the hot tub, in the basement of a frat house, on a Boston rooftop, or where ever else the next piece of hot, young tail leads me!
The Gronk and Brady exchange a bro-five.
Hernandez: Are you two serious?! You're just lucky I'm working so hard in here so that if you get hurt, I'll be there to fill the void.
The Gronk: Whatever, douchsicle. Dude, Bro-Brady, you should have seen this shit, dawg. A couple of months ago, I was down in Aruba and these two pieces of pure ass fell right into my lap. They said they were 18, but I heard one of them talk about getting her license when she got home after I finished bangin' em both. I have no idea how old they actually were, but that shit happened in Aruba, so who fuckin' cares, bro?!
Hernandez: Ugh, that's just sick.
The Gronk: Now you're gettin' it! It was fuckin' sick! Railin' tail, drinkin' ale! The bro-life, bro!
Brady: God damn I wish I was young again! Now I'm tied down by my 2nd model-wife and a fuckin' family at home. I wish I could still bro-down with you out there, but you're just going to have to do double duty for me.
The Gronk: Aww damn, bro. That would be so sick!
Brady: I know, I know. Oh well. I'm outta here. Later, Brosef!
They exchange one more super-chill bro-hug. Brady leaves.
Hernandez: Umm, Rob, you know, if you're looking for somebody to "hit the town" with, I don't have anything going on tonig-
The Gronk: [Sticks his fingers in his ears.] La La La La La I can't hear you, bro! La La La La La La...
The Gronk walks out of the locker room with his fingers in his ears as he continues to make noise.
Hernandez: [sighs]
The Gronk pokes his head back into the weight room.
The Gronk: Oh, yeah. You can keep The Body Issue. It'll give you something to aspire to. Besides, I've got a mirror so I can look at that shit all day long. PUSSY!!!
The Gronk leaves.
Awesome. Now I have to scroll for about nine minutes to get to the next comment. Save it for your league, Aaron Dorkin.
DeleteBest thing I've read on the shitter since the WebMD page for "glittery stool"!
DeleteI give my life 1 mustache up. That's a perfect score by the way.
ReplyDeletePositively dying to hear some more anonymous opinions on Penn State penalties, Lane Kiffin, and who the '92 Dream Team would or would not beat! If you're reading this and you have a pulse and a keyboard, let it fly, baby!
ReplyDeleteI haven't read them carefully but am pretty sure my favorite is the one that starts with:
Delete'You're delusion.'
The Paterno Family disagrees with the Hammer Statement. Once again the media has accepted another briefing without an objective, independent review. At no point were our attorneys granted access to Mr. Hammer for interviews, nor were we given a rough draft of Mr. Hammer's statement for review and approval prior to its publication. The Paterno Family will honor the memory of Joe Paterno by launching an independent investigation into the so-called "Kinja" commenting system to see if these so-called "burner accounts" are so-called "trolls", or whether they are all idiots and/or Penn State graduates. Good day.
DeleteWhat percentage of comments are made by burners? I'd venture to guess its close to 60%.
DeleteIt's all about the post. If it's some watercooler-y discussion post, it's going to attract all the yokels. The big news posts are normally all jokes at first, but then get overrun when they're past their useful shelf life by every jerkoff chiming in. But the classic Deadspin posts are almost always still crammed to the gills with jokes.
DeleteAnd this is not technically a "Burner", but I think a ban for this guy is a long time coming. I know the Ninjas have shown they're capable of moderating the conversation silently by moving our outright deleting comments, but I wonder whether an outright ban is even still possible.
Check it. Somebody broke out the big guns. Flapship has been erased.
Delete@BronzeHammer
DeleteFirst his comments started disappearing, now your link brings up a 'Profile not found' message. That's good work. Use your powers wisely.
We're SAVED!
DeleteWhat's the etiquette when you make a worse, but similar comment than someone else?
ReplyDeleteDelete it?
Leave it up?
Praise the other person?
I usually delete it. But no way your comment could have been worse than mine.
Delete/sees gamboa's name above comment
Delete//gives +1
More fun* things about Kinja & the burners are the goomers that take posts and comments seriously.
ReplyDelete*not fun
The supercilious, arrogant attidude of you Deadspin commenters leads inevitably to an anonymous burner type commenter.
DeleteJust Kidding Erg.
T'would not have thought otherwise. And a lot of the burners have the definite odour of a formerly frustrated pink.
DeleteI think Deadspin pretty much sucks now. The comments are a wasteland of Yahoo and Youtube morons, with jokes peppered in from some good folks. I barely look at one or two posts anymore.
DeleteOH COME ON
ReplyDeleteROAR!
DeleteToomyK and Petros Gammons...Red Sex and hullabaloooooo! Aristocats and a road trip. Snatch my elephant!
DeleteThis place is allll righty than!!!1!
Wherever you go, whatever you do
ReplyDeleteI will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
We sailed on together
DeleteWe drifted apart
And here you are, by my side
So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms
Please. All y'all crazy. THIS is the best love song of the 80s. [clears throat]
DeleteIt all came so easy, all the loving you gave me
The feelings we shared
And I still can remember, how you touched me so tender
It told me you cared
We had a once in a lifetime
But I just couldn't see until it was gone
A second once in a lifetime
May be too much to ask but i swear from now on
If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll love you much better
If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll hold you forever
This time we'll never end
[makes Suck It motion]
/drops mic
//ladies drop panties
'Ello boys. 'Memba me?
DeleteI've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright,
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance,
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance,
And I have never seen that dress you're wearing,
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes,
I have been blind;
The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There's nobody here, it's just you and me,
It's where I want to be,
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,
I'll never forget the way you look tonight;
Hi guys!
Delete/plays sax
//gets laid