Tuesday, August 21, 2012

MKMOT (August 21, 2012)

Andy Reid's* mustache. I always knew it was there, but holy shit. Last night, it caught my attention for a minute and I really took it in for the first time. How can you possibly go through your daily life with this thing on your face? Clearly, eating is not an issue. But coughing up a weekly hairball can't be too pleasurable. And speaking of not being too pleasurable, the poor woman who has to have this pressed against whatever part of her GAH CHANGE THE SUBJECT NOW!

Do any of you have prodigious lip sweaters? Care to elaborate on this? Who is the greatest mustachioed rapper of all time? Do burrito remnants get stuck in your facial pube filter? Let me know. It's open.



*Andy Reid is the head coach (leader guy) of the Philadelphia Eagles, a professional football (sprots!) team

68 comments:

  1. I have a mustache. I wouldn't recommend it. The worst part, to me, is that if I don't shave the rest of my face in a timely fashion, then my beard hair is out of sync with the length of the mustache. Then I look less like a badass fireman and more like some kind of fucked up time traveler. I don't think facial hair should keep you from being properly identified as a constituent of the current era. I'm gonna go shave it off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My wife occasionally gets on my case to grow facial hair. I refuse. I hate dealing with it. If I don't trim it regularly, I look like a hobo. But my main motivation for shaving every day is that I'm not yet 40, but my facial hair is about 50% gray, if not higher. Why would I want to look 20 years older? It's not like the cashiers at Spouts are carding me anyway.

      Delete
    2. Your wife is ASKING you to grow facial hair? Has she ever kissed a beard before*?

      *Present company excepted

      Delete
  2. DIRT LIP

    Anyways, thank god for Kinja, so we can have THIS sort of VIP conversatin.' VIPs, y'all. V-I-Ps.

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    Replies
    1. Cannot wait for the day that Kobe Bryant pops in to Kinja to call us all faggots. Would that be sweet bit of irony for Nick Denton, or what?

      Delete
    2. I had a big laugh at that Kluwe comment. I wouldn't have laughed at it at all were he not Chris Kluwe responding to a dig, but I did laugh. Context matters.

      Delete
  3. Well, the Republican National Convention crowd is growing in downtown Tampa. It's like Comicon, except that every attendee is a 50 year old white guy in a suit. I can't wait to see how comfy that suit and tie feels at 3 PM, when it's 95 degrees and thunderstorming.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just wait until Charlotte is overrun by unemployed welfare union sandal-wearing hippies!!

      /shoots gun in air

      Delete
  4. I go through periodic times where I don't feel like shaving, and after about a month a half of growth I have a nice beard. I don't recommend it all, and mustaches are even worse because you have the hassle of having to shave PLUS the hassle of having itchy hair getting in your mouth and nose, with not much of the associated lumberjack manliness that comes with a beard. You either look like a creep or a middle-aged Chicago cop.

    Anyway, I think it was StF said it yesterday, but can anyone else not Deadspin comment on an iPad? I tried clearing my cache and cookies, but nothing is doing. (I'm logging in with Twitter.) I NEED THIS, YOU GUYS!

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    1. I hate shaving. I have never really grown facial hair for any reason other than that, yet I usually cave and do it once or twice a week. Sometimes I save the mustache for last, and I have never seen myself in that state without coming to the conclusion that I look like a complete idiot.

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    2. No go on my iPad. Tried logging off everywhere,etc. but nothing worked.

      Delete
  5. Well whenever I'm in a pinch, I like to consult my handy "Should You Have A Mustache" flowchart:

    Are you Tom Selleck?
    YES ---------> Mustache ok.
    NO ----------> Mustache not ok.

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    Replies
    1. Funny that you mention "pinch" and "handy" in once sentence, bro.

      Delete
    2. I've had a weird year, hair-wise. I didn't shave my hair from Jan 2 to May, then shaved it into a moustache-soulpatch combo (think Doc Holiday right before he succumbed to TB). Then I got drunk, shaved my head (but not the stache), realized I looked like a white-supremacist, grew in the NWO Hulk-Hogan (short beard flowing moustached) finally got my hair bac and trimmed everything down to a respectable Just For Men box-art beard.

      Now, I'm clean shaven again. My Beard, Pray, Love project taught me two things.

      1. If a girl likes guys with beards and you have a beard, you're in. You don't even be funny or good looking.

      2. Most people expect less from people with facial hair.

      Delete
  6. Mid-morning has never been a big time for our readers. Let's hold off and pump out 6 between 5:15-5:25.

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    Replies
    1. This is literally the lamest, pettiest, and dumbest ongoing feature of this site.

      Delete
    2. So, I assume by "the lamest and dumbest ongoing feature" you mean The Grierson & Leitch posts? In that case, we completely agree.

      Also, you are an idiot.

      Toodles!

      Delete
  7. I cannot grow a beard, thanks to weirdly uneven growth patterns on my cheeks and jaw. But I have grown a creepy, John Waters-cum-Fu-Manchu 'stache, and kept it for two weeks, thanks to a bet I lost. A bet that I made, mind you, just prior traveling to Jerusalem for a 2 1/2 month work stint, part of which was spent doing ambulance ridealongs.

    Nothing puts old, palpitating Orthodox ladies at ease like a long-haired dude with a porny lip-tickler asking them to roll up their sleeves and unbutton their shirts. NOTHING.

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    Replies
    1. StF, you're not alone. Even when I do let the cookie duster run wild, I get 0 growth on my philtral dimple (had to google it, folks). It's like a little mini inverse Hitler. Not a great look.

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    2. You being a long-haired man is everything I hoped it would be.

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    3. I was a long-haired man. NOW I'm... different.

      /Calibrates cyber-legs
      //Combs over hair
      ///Primps vagina

      Delete
  8. Guy Who is tired of tired punsAugust 21, 2012 at 3:00 PM

    At some point will we all acknowledge that really bad puns are just that? I get it, Guys Who (Guys Who being Gamboa, Same Sad Echo, Eddie Murray Sparkles and other "legends") - that one phrase in the article sounds like some other phrase that might be funny. I get it. Jay Leno gets it. Colin Quinn gets it. We all get it. Now do us a favor and just go back to your low paying "lawyerin' Joe" job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not a legend, I just joke a lot.

      Delete
    2. @Guy Who, it's really norn of my bizness, but I don't see what's so hard about just ignoring the comments from commenters you don't like. Getting yourself all worked up about it seems pretty Insensible to me, Captain.

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    3. Speaking of Colin Quinn, remember when Norm MacDonald got fired mid-season, and Colin Quinn had to do Weekend Update the next show, and in his horrible unfunny way explained how awkward it was for him to be doing the show instead of Norm, but he couldn't even say Norm's name? God that was rough.

      Of course, I suppose instead of watching through that unfunny crap fest, I could have just changed the channel. Or even better, auditioned for In Living Color so I could try to make my own jokes for people to laugh at. Who knows? I might have been the Guy Who Made In Living Color Funny That One Time.

      Perchance to dream, amirite?

      Delete
    4. Ed. Note: In the above comment, please replace all occurrences of In Living Color with Mad TV. In Living Color was no longer on the air when Norm MacDonald got fired. I clearly have many faults, but I do strive to ensure accuracy isn't one of them.

      h/t wikipedia!

      Delete
    5. Guy Who is tired of tired punsAugust 21, 2012 at 3:53 PM

      @Raysism We agree. You aren't a legend. But, you have a competitive advantage at quantity.

      So just stick with quantity delivered at breakneak speed. Like a champion at middle distance races, mediocre speed for mediocre distance somehow equals perfection.

      As for Echo. I'm not sure what to do with that. I'm sure it was funny in your mind. Just try again. I'm sure it will work out well this time.

      Delete
    6. @ Guy Who

      If they'll let women into Augusta, maybe one day we'll let your unfunny ass into our big circle jerk.

      [makes wanking motion in front of Echo's crotch, also has wanking motion made in front of my crotch by another Deadspin legend]

      Delete
    7. Just so we're clear, when I said I'm not a legend, I meant that I'm not an inscription or a title on an object, an explanatory caption accompanying an illustration, or an explanatory table or list of the symbols appearing on a map or chart.

      Looks like someone just got pun'd.

      Delete
    8. Hey Guy Who, make all the snide comments you want. It's just jokes on a website (and spinoff website). Get as worked up about it as you'd like.

      Delete
    9. I like pun threads.

      Just sayin'

      Delete
    10. @Phin

      Echo was second. You haven't reached "legend" status yet.

      Delete
    11. The Real Phin, For RealAugust 21, 2012 at 5:05 PM

      My comment is clearly ahead of his, even though both are timestamped 1:12. PFTW. Hey, that rhymes.

      Delete
    12. Gamboa, do you need me to explain this to Phin?

      Delete
    13. The Real Phin, For RealAugust 21, 2012 at 5:31 PM

      On behalf of humans everywhere, shut up Ray.

      Delete
    14. Well now I'm definitely not going to explain the joke.

      Delete
    15. It's a lost cause.

      (That's to Raysism). Or a summary of this thread. Either or.

      Delete
    16. @ Gamboa

      I get it. Har har. It might take me a little while, but I always get it.*

      *does not apply to Raysism "jokes"

      Delete
  9. Anybody else think we should ignore this cocksucker?

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    Replies
    1. If this anonymous PR guy were more interesting, I'd say yes.

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    2. I couldn't agree more. Whether we're talking about whoever is trolling this section or the PR guy.

      Delete
  10. I just can't get excited for anonymous PR guy. I can't even get excited to attack him. I don't like him...and the way he has discussed some of his more immoral job tasks with a such an offhand and flippant "eh whatever" approach bothers me.

    There are very, very few fields I inherently don't respect. Youth pastors and PR guys are pretty much the entirety of the list now.


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should clarify I'm talking about PR guys who have a job description reading "I clean up after professional athletes".

      I'm sure there are tons of people in PR for business, etc, who do work more meaningful than helping someone betray his wife and quietly get away from a bar fight.

      Delete
    2. I totally agree. And if I ever personally witness five guys jerking off on a girl's face, just shoot me dead.

      Delete
    3. But their burgers are so juicy!

      Delete
    4. Bellwether JohnsonAugust 21, 2012 at 4:55 PM

      "One prominent athlete I worked with once called me while he was having sex with a girl and had me call up a second girl to finish him off because he didn't like the first girl. This is a guy who's married and just paraded his newborn in front of local news cameras two months prior. You wouldn't believe how often this happens."

      IT'S JUST THAT EASY!

      Delete
    5. @Ray

      Ignore the e-vite I sent you, then.

      Delete
    6. @ Everyone

      Quick, someone gather five guys to jerk off on a chick and let's force Ray to witness it. Then we must honor his wishes!

      I'll bring the guns. And some firearms.

      Delete
  11. Hey fellas,

    I don't comment very often anymore- Please, hold your applause until I'm finished -but when I do, or when I just take the time to read a few comments, I find myself viewing comments via the new KINJA!1!! format rather than using the BluTonic update so that I can avoid viewing the myriad steaming piles of shit that inundate the commentariat now. I only mention this because wasn't one of the supposed "Pros" of KINJA!1!! supposed to be that there would be less of a cool crowd/circle jerk-like atmosphere? If that's the case, it's had the opposite effect on me, because the KINJA!1!! format allows me to just click on the avatars of the 10-15 guys I think generally bring the funny while completely ignoring every other comment. Now this sucks for the few new Guys Who(I'm assuming) are actually trying to add to what was once the only comment section worth reading, but them's the breaks. I did my best to read and promote funny comments from guys making the effort back in the day, but I'm not about to walk through the mind field that is today's commentariat.

    Anywho, TL;DR, Raysism is an attention whore, Sharting writes long form jokes, and Erg is really old and enjoys "Heh'ing" comments.

    As you were.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Bev

      It's had the same effect on me. Erg will tell you that the algorithm has gotten a ton better and I'm not sure it has, but to the extent that, by a certain point, it will have shuffled the stand-alone burner comments toward the back and the potent notables to the front, it's working for me. Kinja isn't just passively insular, it's also aggressively divisive -- about as big a faceplant as a discussion system can have.

      Last night I was wandering back to some pre-Kinja thread from a while back, I even forget what it was. It was notable to me not just how much more functional the layout was, but how many times I saw a comment promoted. I've underrated how much I miss being on either side of that virtual pat-on-the-back.

      Delete
    2. @BronzeHammer

      I'm glad you brought up the comment promotion aspect of the old system. I don't bring the funny anywhere near die heiligen Sterne of yore, but for being a middling commenter it was always nice to know that I was maybe kinda on the right track.

      Luckily, now I KNOW that I am just as good at what I do as any drooling sack of shit that wanders off from their handler and finds a keyboard and a browser tab opened to Deadspin. So that's nice.

      Delete
  12. [sees name in Bevraj comment]

    Anonymous PR Guy: Now Raysism, not all press is good press. We only want your name out in those few instances where there's an opportunity to..

    [shoots PR Guy dead]

    [cums]

    ReplyDelete
  13. @IMG

    I have no idea why that exchange made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I have no idea what exchange you're talking about, but if it's the dollar:euro rate, it's probably because you're a self-hating bastard.

      Delete
    2. [nyet] -> Non? -> NEIN!!!

      Delete
  14. All this stuff about beards.

    Here's the top ten, sometimes I wonder about y'all, #8 may apply.
    Also wish I could do a link.

    http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-08-19/news/ct-perspec-0819-things-20120819_1_grace-bedell-lengthy-beard-amish

    ReplyDelete