Thursday, August 23, 2012

MKMOT (August 23, 2012)

Oh, you guys. You just can't be nice to each other, can you? I don't even understand what you're fighting about/getting offended by half the time. Lest you call me a hypocrite, I haven't changed my stance on controversy, it's just been more baffling than titillating lately. Almost seems manufactured. I miss the days when this place had a more authentic and interesting brand of petty hatred.

I'm going to pull out an old Mama Skeevs trick and make you guys write 3 nice things about the target of your disdain. Hopefully this will give you some perspective and appreciation for one another. I know it's not easy, but as your fearless leader by example, I'll show that it can be done by going first.

IronMikeGallego:

  1. He perfectly centers his luxury car in our lot's only handicapped spot, making it easy for me to walk through the narrow space between it and the statue of him while carrying in his breakfast every morning.
  2. He always has the same smile on his face, whether he's refusing my time off request or denying my expense report.
  3. The adorable way he does that cute little bit where he "retires".

See? It's not that hard to play nice. Try it below. There's s'mores. It's open.




65 comments:

  1. Do we have to say nice things only about one person? Why not three different nice things. I'll start:

    1. IronMike is not Raysism
    2. Steve_U is not Raysism
    3. Raysism is not in my immediate vicinity

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been saying 1 and 2 for years.

      Delete
  2. Oh, Marv. You silly bastard. You forgot:

    4. How he lets me cling to life as I waste away in the office dungeon, a punishment befitting the crime of calling his fleet of Porsches "his luxury car[s]".

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1. When Bevraj of Choice drinks himself into a near-catatonic state, there isn't a measurable decrease in the quality of his comments.

    2. By all accounts, Bevraj of Choice is taking good care of my 2011 COTY trophy.

    3. Bevraj of Choice makes me question my sexuality.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I sold some ticks and fleas, I sold some moldy cheese, I sold nitrous, opium acid, heroin, and BVDs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dress warm, so that I won't catch pneumonia.

      I'm a diamond, you're a cubic zirconia.

      Delete
  5. Shit you reread every few months:

    I've mentioned before I read Catch-22 at least once a year. But I probably come back to this every few months and give it a read. David Foster Wallace's commencement speech at Kenyon College:

    http://moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hand't seen that before. Great read.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, haunting even.

      Delete
    3. 1. David Foster Wallace is a talented writer
      2. David Foster Wallace is intelligent
      3. David Foster Wallace is dead

      Delete
    4. That's funny because every year around usually Wimbledon or the US Open, I read his Federer As Religious Experience piece from 2006, which includes maybe my favorite paragraph of sportswiritng ever:
      "One wouldn’t want to make too much of it, or to pretend that it’s any sort of equitable balance; that would be grotesque. But the truth is that whatever deity, entity, energy, or random genetic flux produces sick children also produced Roger Federer, and just look at him down there. Look at that."

      Delete
    5. Oh absolutely. That might be my favorite bit of sports writing of all-time.

      Right in front of "The horse jumped over the fucking fence."

      Delete
    6. Good stuff. Finest Kind.

      Delete
  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By the way, this was not written by the real Raysism. Not cool.

      Delete
    2. Not that the content was particularly offensive, but I will pretty much always delete anyone who comments as another commenter if it is brought to my attention. One of my few blatant no-nos.

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    4. The one below Marv also was not me. Again, not cool.

      Delete
    5. Ha! Hilariously, the "Raysism" complaining above is not me, either.

      Delete
    6. Will you fucking stop it? This is getting tired.

      Delete
    7. Every post by BronzeHammer ever has been an impostor!

      [crosses fingers]

      Delete
    8. Done playing this game, I think the point has been made.

      Delete
    9. Well hell, shoot 'em all, let Kinj.....never mind.

      Delete
    10. That was to real/fake Raysism, not BBAM, who deserves a +1.

      /considers deleting whole thread

      Delete
  7. BronzeHammer:

    1. By forcing his children to read him his Deadspin comments from the day over and over until he falls asleep every night, he is doing wonders for childhood literacy.

    2. In his documentation of his battle with obesity, he hasn't reached the sad "mean people at the University of Michigan hurt my feelings" phase yet.

    3. His 30-plus MKMUB personas alleviate the overwhelming loneliness that I would normally experience by frequenting a balog about comments on a different internet blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two can play this game!

      1. BronzeHammer taught me everything I know about commenting.

      2. BronzeHammer will make a joke in 2014 that, when allowing for the rampant deflation and devaluation of the +1 due to his Yakov Smirnoff bot becoming self-aware, will be the most +1'd joke in Deadspin history.

      3. BronzeHammer is actually in grate shape (he's roughly the dimensions and density of a man-hole cover).

      Delete
    2. 1. Bronze Hammer is not really bronze, or a hammer, but is a weird-shaped rock with some gold spray paint on it.

      2. Bronze Hammer wrote a fan letter to Count Chocula, which was answered by his Mom, something he is unaware of to this day.

      3.Bronze Hammer has a framed picture of a 3 legged dog on his desk at work.

      Delete
  8. My momma always said, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything. Which is why I will smile and nod my head when somebody says to me "BronzeHammer is a decent fellow who definitely does not get aroused by the ending to 'The Grapes of Wrath.'"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey who called the horny police? And why do they look like the regular police? And police can't get on top of the public library, can they?

      Ah. They can.

      Delete
  9. UweBollocks:

    1. Always ends vulgar, spittle-emitting screeds at captured prostitutes by adding, "no disrespect."

    2. Uses environmentally friendly recyclable lightweight plastic bag ties rather than heavy metal chains to restrain victims while carving his name into their spleen.

    3. Has a big screen TV and kegerator in his basement, right next to the Brazen Bull.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Raysism:

    1. Lifts jokes from TDK, so at least he has decent taste in who to emulate

    2. Is old and will probably die soon

    3. Lifetime devoted to running will probably make his body decompose quickly

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anyone else scrolled through the Dock Ellis piece on ESPN? I haven't actually read it, but I must say that the web design is pretty freaking cool. Is this the first time they've rolled it out?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is pretty cool. Here's the link if anybody is so inclined.

      Delete
    2. The best thing about it? Stylistically, it's totally original. Nobody has ever done anything like this, not with this subject matter.

      Delete
  12. International Poise Conspiracy

    1. Excellent research skills
    2. Considers me "blood"
    3. Spared my life*.

    *to this point

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    2. @Gamboa,

      Know what I still remember?

      This.

      Not sure why that one in particular stuck in my head. But it stuck well enough that it only took me one google search to track it down.

      Delete
    3. Oh, man. Never would have remembered that, although I targeted him a few times. Thanks.

      Delete
  13. Yeah, so this isn't good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Something oversized, white, and pushing Mitt Romney toward DC? I'm not sure why somebody took the time to turn the U.S. electorate into a map!!!1!!

      No, but seriously, you should drive inland.

      Delete
    2. I can't even imagine how long it takes you to run the daily 10k while jogging in place in your living room.

      Seriously though, hope this doesn't get too bad for you.

      Delete
    3. We'd be better off if it just went right over us. If that thing sits over to the west, we are going to get drilled with rain (the east side of a hurricane carries all the rain), which we absolutely cannot handle right now. The ground is absolutely saturated. It will be very ugly here if this path doesn't change.

      Delete
    4. How long do they typically last?

      Delete
    5. Ray,

      I hope you had to foresight to FedEx me your most valuable possessions again. If those AOL promo CDs get soaked this time, I don't know how you're going to get back online.

      Stay safe, bud.

      Delete
    6. They can be fast and they can be slow. Most people don't remember, but Katrina was a slow-moving hurricane that was headed for Tampa until it turned into a fast-moving hurricane headed north to NO.

      Fast moving is better for Tampa, because (a) no fast moving hurricane can run straight into Tampa, because of the way Florida is oriented, and the fact that Cuba is basically one giant speed bump, and (b) our biggest weak spot is the flood potential, so we would prefer not to see a slow-moving hurricane sit on top of us and dump rain.

      Still a couple of days before we know what happens. They tend to do crazy things once they get past the Caribbean islands.

      Delete
    7. Please allow me rephrase my question, and expose my incredibly selfish motivation for asking that I tried to mask on the first go around: I am supposed to be flying into Tampa for a long weekend next week Friday. Am I fucked?

      Delete
    8. Good luck man. I went through Hurricane Rita in Houston with an 8.5 months pregnant wife (a very common occurance in the DaN household, BTW) and a mother-in-law in town to "help" with the birth. I spent 12 furious hours boarding up windows, then almost joined 500,000 idiots on the one road inland before seeing the storm move from category 5 to 3 and at the last second veer north (sorry Lake Charles!)

      It is not at all fun. Seriously, good luck.

      Delete
    9. You can always come stay at my house.

      Delete
    10. @Sgt. H: It will be long gone by next Friday.

      @everyone: Thanks. I fortunately live in a place where it's fairly easy to get out. And they always save a room for me at EPCOT.

      Delete
    11. My bad man, I didn't even see the stuff about Hurricane!!

      I just meant we could hang out and you could give me your credit card.

      Delete
  14. If you're not following RMJ=H on Twitter...you are missing out right now.

    (@rmj_equals_hero)

    "Followers - let's do Thirteen for thursday! You send me questions and I send you links to totally unrelated pics. Fire away!"

    ReplyDelete
  15. Replies
    1. Replying on Deadspin wasn't enough for you?

      Delete
    2. @Guy who:

      Dubai apologized, not that he needed to, and agreed I should just dismiss his reply. Dubai has many faults (smelling bad, being smelly, smelliness, etc.) but I think strongly feeling that child molestation isn't something to joke about is a perfectly reasonable position.

      Delete
    3. Guy who was the Guy who aboveAugust 23, 2012 at 6:39 PM

      Sure... except that, unless I'm completely illiterate, you weren't joking about child molestation. You were joking about Brett Favre's penis.

      Delete
  16. Don't let that Grinch fool you, he don't hate everything. I sold his ass some of the finest kind buds I had man, and that dude must have some serious lung capacity because he blazed through an ounce in like two days, I swear to god that motherfucker is so cool when he's high, too. Shit.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Guy who does not enjoy bad commenters, even in DUANAugust 24, 2012 at 12:03 AM

    I am fairly certain that stickinandmovin is the worst active non-burner commenter on Deadspin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm fairly certain you're wrong.

      Delete
  18. Gawker Media Staff Meeting - 8/23/2012

    Denton: A.J., how have your commenters been responding to Kinja?

    Daulerio: They bitch a lot. Most quit. Who cares though?

    Denton: How about you, Tommy?

    Craggs: It took some time, but they finally seem to have made the adjustment. They're not happy, but they've learned to live with it.

    Denton: So they're not mentioning me on a regular basis anymore?

    Craggs: Not really, no.

    Denton: [Calls Hungarian tech staff] Alright, everyone, this is an emergency. It turns out that the commenters from one of our blogs haven't been talking about me lately. This is simply unacceptable... I don't care what you have to do, just change things... Of course it doesn't have to make sense! If it had to make sense, would I have switched to a horizontal scroll bar for comments and mandated that our editors interact with our readers in the comment sections?!... It doesn't matter what it looks like, do whatever the hell you want! As long as they start talking about me again, that's all that matters!... Sure, two columns, twelve columns, it doesn't matter to me!... I don't care how you justify it, just say you changed the algorithm or something... Tomorrow, I want it done by tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete