Reading MKM's comments is like spending a day at old Yankee Stadium watching Mickey Mantle. With his wit and superb Broadway taste, MKM rounds third and heads home, straight into our hearts.
This law firm represents former Buffalo Bills safety Mark Alan Kelso. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately and have your attorney notify us of such representation.
You are hereby directed to
CEASE AND DESIST ALL DEFAMATION OF MR. KELSO'S CHARACTER AND REPUTATION.
Mr. Kelso is an educated, respected professional in the community. He has spent years serving the community in his profession and building a positive reputation. Mr. Kelso has learned that you have engaged in spreading false, destructive, and defamatory rumors about him, namely, that he is a fan of Broadway musicals. Mr. Kelso is not, nor has he ever been, a fan of Broadway shows. In fact, he has dedicated a considerable amount of time and money to the eradication of musical theatre.
Under United States law, it is unlawful to engage in such defamation of another’s character and reputation. Defamation consists of
(1) a statement that tends to injure reputation; (2) communicated to another; and (3) that the speaker knew or should have known was false.
Your defamatory statements (including, but not limited to, the undue praise of numerous Tony Award-winning composers), your liberal recitation of a particular line of dialogue from the 1972 film "The Godfather," and your association with disreputable Deadspin commenters such as "UweBollocks" and "IronMikeGallego" have caused considerable harm to my client.
Accordingly, we demand that you (A) immediately cease and desist your unlawful defamation of Mr. Kelso and (B) provide us with prompt written assurance within ten (10) days that you will cease and desist from further defamation of Mr. Kelso’s character and reputation.
If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, Mr. Kelso is entitled to seek monetary damages and equitable relief for your defamation. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that Mr. Kelso has asked us to communicate to you that he will pursue all available legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and an order that you pay court costs and attorney’s fees. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable.
Before taking these steps, however, my client wished to give you one opportunity to discontinue your illegal conduct by complying with this demand within ten (10) days. Accordingly, please sign and return the attached Defamation Settlement Agreement within ten (10) days to my office.
I recommend that you consult with an attorney regarding this matter. If you or your attorney have any questions, please contact me directly.
Reading MKM's comments is like spending a day at old Yankee Stadium watching Mickey Mantle. With his wit and superb Broadway taste, MKM rounds third and heads home, straight into our hearts.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. "MarkKelsosMigraine":
ReplyDeleteThis law firm represents former Buffalo Bills safety Mark Alan Kelso. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately and have your attorney notify us of such representation.
You are hereby directed to
CEASE AND DESIST ALL DEFAMATION OF
MR. KELSO'S CHARACTER AND REPUTATION.
Mr. Kelso is an educated, respected professional in the community. He has spent years serving the community in his profession and building a positive reputation. Mr. Kelso has learned that you have engaged in spreading false, destructive, and defamatory rumors about him, namely, that he is a fan of Broadway musicals. Mr. Kelso is not, nor has he ever been, a fan of Broadway shows. In fact, he has dedicated a considerable amount of time and money to the eradication of musical theatre.
Under United States law, it is unlawful to engage in such defamation of another’s character and reputation. Defamation consists of
(1) a statement that tends to injure reputation;
(2) communicated to another; and
(3) that the speaker knew or should have known was false.
Your defamatory statements (including, but not limited to, the undue praise of numerous Tony Award-winning composers), your liberal recitation of a particular line of dialogue from the 1972 film "The Godfather," and your association with disreputable Deadspin commenters such as "UweBollocks" and "IronMikeGallego" have caused considerable harm to my client.
Accordingly, we demand that you (A) immediately cease and desist your unlawful defamation of Mr. Kelso and (B) provide us with prompt written assurance within ten (10) days that you will cease and desist from further defamation of Mr. Kelso’s character and reputation.
If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, Mr. Kelso is entitled to seek monetary damages and equitable relief for your defamation. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that Mr. Kelso has asked us to communicate to you that he will pursue all available legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and an order that you pay court costs and attorney’s fees. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable.
Before taking these steps, however, my client wished to give you one opportunity to discontinue your illegal conduct by complying with this demand within ten (10) days. Accordingly, please sign and return the attached Defamation Settlement Agreement within ten (10) days to my office.
I recommend that you consult with an attorney regarding this matter. If you or your attorney have any questions, please contact me directly.
Sincerely,
Joseph DeLamielleure, Esq.
MKM is nothing more than a pinko-commie who's trying to sabotage the production of blue jeans.
ReplyDeleteOh, and he laughed when Sticks Downey called me "white bread."
I once had a row with MKM. I knocked that palooka all the way back to Buffalo!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though. I don't even know what I'm doing around here... or anywhere. Where am I? WHO am I? Why is my crotch wet. ew.
ReplyDelete[dying]
ReplyDeleteLEAVE ME ALONE!
ReplyDeleteHeard any funny jokes lately?
DeleteNo update today? Who's running this place, A.J. Daulerio?
ReplyDeleteToo bad Elaine's closed. You guys could have gone there!
ReplyDeleteClones, I'm here talking to Roger Lodge. Guy. Is. Hi. Larious.
ReplyDeleteGreat to be here, Jim!
ReplyDeleteLodge, what is up with Pac-Man and Pretty Boy? When will these two All-Wonderlic scrubs step inside the ring and. Get. It. On?
ReplyDeleteLodge, that is SICK. Rack him.
ReplyDeleteExcuse me, Jim, but your privilege is showing.
ReplyDeleteOK, clones. Who is this BROAD? Probably a TOTAL BEAST.
DeleteI'm about to UNLOAD a third-wave of smack on her dome.
Señor MKM ees da great commenter, but no pay rent. Joo neeto pay rent in my building.
ReplyDelete[calls ICE]
ReplyDeleteThis is how you remind me . . . of MKM's brilliance as a Deadspin commenter!
ReplyDelete[cries self to sleep on piles of money]