Monday, September 17, 2012

MKMOT/50 Days of HATE- Day 7 (September 17, 2012)

In recent years, a horrific brand of "rock" has emerged that I don't know how to properly categorize, other than indescribably horrendous. This genre will be the source of multiple entries in this series, and I'd be incredibly surprised (yet unbelievably excited) if a single voice of dissent dares challenge my smoldering hatred for any of them.

The toughest thing about this one is that it really is about a band. I could have easily chosen anything they've ever done. I'm hard-pressed to recall a first single that could possibly have done a better job of foreshadowing the hellacious ass vomit to come. I dare you, DARE you, to click that link and watch the first 5 seconds and then tell me why capital punishment is wrong. Everything about this horrible, horrible band and their cohorts is vapid, trite, and painfully cliche. "We're hard-partying, whiskey-guzzling, weed-smoking, sex-having outlaw rockers! And if you don't know it, check out our new single, 'We're Hard-Partying, Whiskey-Guzzling, Weed-Smoking, Sex-Having Outlaw Rockers.'"

Rarely can a HATEr find such a powerful synergy of a God-awful voice united with lyrics that could only be considered laughable if HATE didn't overpower the humor, and tantalizingly punchable faces. I'm not even sure why I'm wasting any energy writing this right now, because simply posting the video would be enough for the prosecution to rest. Hell, a still photo should do the trick. Nice scarf/vest combo, dick.

OK, enough said. I'm losing my world-renowned professional decorum. The HATE is sooooo strong right now. Case closed, but it's open.


42 comments:

  1. I have never heard this song in my life.

    And for the record, I am not in the cool club. I am the old guy who hangs around the kids in the cool club and buys them alcohol.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh HELL to the NO! It has become quite obvious that Marv must be the culprit who swiped my IPod at the gym last week when I left it unguarded on the locker room bench as I wound down my workout with 5 minutes of flexing in front of the bathroom mirror with my shirt off. And now instead of being a gentlemen and simply returning it, he has instead elected to try and publicly humiliate me by having me defend each selection on my top 50 most played list. Not that any of these songs need defending, as they are all irrefutable staples in any respectable music collection, but THIS one specifically strikes a nerve with me. Let's pretend for a second that this roaring anthem is not one of the most inspired arrangements ever to come across the airwaves (I know, I can't even trick myself into imagining that either), now please name me another song that has ahead of its time mind blowing guitar riffs, pitch perfect hypnotic vocals, and perfectly personifies the trials and tribulations of the male sex slave. I'll give you a hint, THERE ISN'T ONE.

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  3. Same here. (I'm the parent in whose house the cool kids drink because I'm out of town on a "get the magic back" trip with Wifey, and my kids are f*cking morons with an insatiable need to be liked, like their dad.)

    That frontman, though. It's like some idiot grad student set out to clone Steven Tyler, then spilled a little Jared Leto and Spencer Pratt in there, furtively looked around the lab, and decided to himself nobody would notice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ("Same here-- I haven't heard this," that is.)

      (And no, I have no idea why someone in my imaginary construct-world would want to clone Steven Tyler.)

      Delete
  4. They should call themselves .38 Special Education.

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  5. Uwe, Bollocks if you(apostrophe)re nasty.September 17, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    "Butt-rock" is the correct term for this genre of music. And I say "Lips of an Angel" is way worse, if only because I've literally never heard the song you used, but that song was fucking inescapable (and horrid)

    Also, hadn't been on tha balog in a few days, but that dipshit troll yesterday seems like a swell guy with a rich life if he's seriously that pissed about a few former commenters getting writing gigs with the site. Holy shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I clearly stated that I could have gone with any of their tracks, but "way worse" is simply not possible.

      Delete
  6. As a semi-pro and semi-(un)successful musician, I sometimes ask myself what it would take to sell out like this. I mean, it's really not hard. I'm surrounded in my daily life by ex-high school wrestlers who lap this shit up like musclemilk.

    That lowest common denominator schlock is so soulless and easy to imitate, it wouldn't be too hard to catch a bus to LA, buy 14 fedoras and play on the Sunset Strip until you find yourself opening up for Buckcherry on a 35 date fall tour, getting blown by strippers who want to lick the balls of the guy who's responsible for the bass line they use to keep time while grinding a 40 yr old truckdriver shaft through his sweatpants in the VIP for a c-note a song.

    But I equate that to a baseball player doing steroids. Sure, you'll get all of the accolades, get treated like a rock star; all the free pussy and booze you could ask for. You'll reach the top of the mountain, but feel like a dirty rotten fraud. And you'll sit there, years later, in regret. Your body ruined. Your soul crushed. And much like the members of Hinder, with a dick the size of a tootsie roll.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, but answer me this:

      How come if you're an unemployed fireman, you're just an "unemployed fireman," but if you're an unemployed rapper, you become an "underground rapper"?

      Delete
    2. Great. Just when I had finally repressed that Kilo Ali lyric.

      Delete
    3. I'm glad you brought that up, IMG. I address that very same conundrum in detail; expounding on the cultural mores and opining on the societal imperfections that allow us to differentiate success, race, industry and employ on my new mixtape Bellwether Biv DeBLOW: Tha RILLLZ Shit Vol. 1 Big Nutz 4Eva (ya hurd?) which I'll be selling out of the trunk of my '92 Tercel behind the 7/11 on MLK.

      Delete
  7. Holy shit, yesterday's balog. What was that???

    Also, is the consensus that I am, in fact, a cool kid? My mind's telling me no, but my glacier glasses and parachute pants present a strong case to the contrary. I'll ponder this further while spending your lunch money, Poindexter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. /epic freestyle battle sesh with Landycakes

      Delete
    2. Sorry, no. Clearly Trolly McGee meant to say "Pete Gaines" but alas, there's no edit function here.

      Delete
  8. I've got two more days of couch arrest before seeing the doc and having my stitches removed. Just passed a test I had to study for while missing the last week of lecture and sitting on the couch under the haze of three different but impressive potent pain killers.

    But I'm off most of the pain killers now and was hoping to finally relax on the couch in the basement, have one glass of scotch, some pain killers, find something on netflix, and take a nice long nap. That was 10 minutes ago. 9 minutes ago I flicked a spider off my mother fucking chest. And now they're everywhere. Everywhere. God damn it.

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    Replies
    1. I was actually kind of excited to see the suggestion you asshole.

      Delete
    2. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.September 17, 2012 at 12:42 PM

      Sorry. This one should help you chill out.

      Delete
    3. That actually looks like it has the potential to enter so-bad-it's-good territory.

      Delete
    4. Zomgz. Press 1 if you're being eaten to death by spiders! If so, I'll find some of those reddit guys who can figure out where you live and send over a spider extermination team.

      Delete
    5. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.September 17, 2012 at 12:59 PM

      Ice Spiders is way better than Eight-Legged Freaks, despite the lack of David Arquette.

      Or just, ya know, watch Breaking Bad or something.

      Delete
  9. Well I just received my strangest ever multiple day late response to a deadspin comment.

    Check out the time stamps on those. Any idea how that makes any sense at all?

    ReplyDelete
  10. To the best of my knowledge, I've never heard anything by Hinder. I think I'll keep it that way.

    ReplyDelete
  11. God, I couldn't be happier that, right before Kinja rolled out, I shorted all my "+1" and "Ha!" stock and bought as much "This. So much this!" and "Fuck and yes" as I could afford. Wall Street ain't all bad, folks.

    - Sent from my private Yachtcopter

    ReplyDelete
  12. This genre will be the source of multiple entries in this series

    Let's start making some guesses. Buckcherry has to be on there. "Crazy Bitch"?


    I really hope "Bad, Bad Girlfriend" is in the Top 50. That song in and of itself is completely awful. It's so awful that Google Autofills it to "bad bad girlfriend nickelback." That's simultaneously insulting and complimentary, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Did anyone else have a comment get auto-deleted in the Facebook blip post?

    I submitted one and it immediately disappeared. I'm not sure if it's because it had multiple embedded links in it and was flagged as spam, or if they just elected to keep that post comment-free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have to have the app installed.

      Delete
    2. I should clarify: it wasn't a Facebook comment. It was a Deadspin comment, on their post about Facebook.

      Delete
    3. And that's why I thought you were being nonsensical, since the blip links directly to Facebook, so I posted a non-serious reply : P

      Delete
    4. Nope, I was being serious. If you click the link, it takes you to the Facebook page, but if you click any other part of the text, it takes you to a Deadspin page with the same text and the option to leave a reply. It was on the Deadspin page where I left a comment, and th-

      Aww, fuck it. Nevermind.

      Delete
    5. It was the links! IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THE LINKS!

      Delete
  14. I have long had little sympathy for teenagers talking about how hard it is growing up nowadays. After all, my generation had to deal with the possibility of being drafted and sent off to Vietnam. After just seven days of this little exercise, however, I have had a complete change of heart. Now there is many an example of bad music from the way back but damn, at least we had Motown, the British Invasion, Jimi Hendrix and the like to get us through. Hold your heads up people. If you can survive music like this, you can survive anything.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I could help open your eyes to the struggle of a new generation.

      We can only hope that it does, in fact, get better.

      Delete
  15. So I guess no one knows that the next lyrics to that Night Ranger song are what's your price for flight? That's the only explanation I can think of.

    /+1's self

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  16. Andrewn Dice Clay is the doorman.

    Good Lord I'm sorry I clicked on that video.

    ReplyDelete