Mildly Unhinged Letters to the Editor (Same Sad Echo edition)

Same Sad Echo, Deadspin's leading Buzz Killington impressionist and sub-MKM commenter, was the subject of one of our profiles this morning.  Based upon an impassioned and needlessly prolix response on twitter (which he probably lifted directly from Sharting), he has been given the opportunity to post a rebuttal.  Oddly enough, it's really long and especially unfunny.  Enjoy?

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. He then created the sky, and day and night and trees and animals. He was on an awesome tear, but I’m guessing he got distracted by something shiny, because he forgot to create professional boxing and hip-hop. Which was kind of a shame, because IronMikeGallego has been bored stiff for the last six thousand years.

[crickets]

Ha ha. Yes, making fun of IMG for being old is a bit of a meme, isn’t it? Like UweBullocks [ed: sic; sick?]  killing people in his basement, or Phintastic and his Sneetch-like star problems, or Hatey McLife being funny.

Did you know that it only took IMG two comments to get his star? It’s true. One comment to get approved, and his star on the next. That must be a record. You know what else is a record? Pocketful of Kryptonite by the Spin Doctors. That record sold over five million copies. Records don’t mean shit.

IMG has done a nice job with this little blog, cleverly lampooning other commenters. But where, one asks, does IMG fit into the equation? How can we explain it? Let’s take it frame-by-frame it, shall we?

In 1984 a triumph of cinema was created. This masterpiece is better known as The Karate Kid. There are some interesting parallels to be drawn here. Clearly, comment_ninja is Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki “Pat” Morita). Sure, he may snap a neck or two, but ultimately he’s using his powers for good. Daniel (Ralph Macchio) represents none of us and all of us at the same time; his transformation from scrawny-necked geek to a scrawny-necked geek who wins a karate tournament is a similar journey to any commenter who starts out pink, turns gray, and gets a star. We had to do it without a kick-ass theme song, so I’d say we’re much tougher.

Eddie Murray Sparkles is Ali (Elizabeth Shue), for obvious reasons.

But we need to dig a little deeper to get to the heart of the matter. Enter, if you dare, into the Cobra Kai dojo. MKM, by virtue of being the subject of this blog, is the dastardly sensei. Now, I don’t think MKM could punch his way out of a My Fair Lady handbill, and I’ve yet to hear him make a racist remark about any southeast Asians, but this is taking longer than I expected so let’s move on.

Clearly, IMG lacks the leadership, charisma or strong jawline to be Johnny (William Zabka). In addition, IMG would have no problem taking out the knee of an opponent, either that of a fellow competitor or an old lady in front of him at the Safeway who is paying for her cat food with a check, and complaining that her children never call her any more, oh and did you know her bursitis is acting up and she doesn’t understand Medicare Part and why do kids wear their pants so low.

So who’s left? Jerry? Oh, you’re not sure who Jerry is? He’s the tall, thin guy. Short haircut. Doesn’t make it very far in the tourney, and seems a bit conflicted about his role in the ongoing bullying of Daniel. Doesn’t get a lot of lines. If you think I’m gonna call him “the black guy” you’re sorely mistaken you hood-wearing racists.

Which leaves us Dutch. You remember Dutch, with his stupid haircut and his “get him a body bag” sensibilities. Dutch, who, like IMG…you know, the analogies are falling apart here a bit. I’m kinda surprised you made it this far, actually. Do you really have nothing better to do on a Sunday? God that’s depressing. I mean, IMG is paying me a hundred bucks to write this, so I’ve got good reason to be here. What’s your excuse? Your “girlfriend” go back to visit her family in the Niagara Falls region? Staying in to catch up on the new Doctor Who? Pinned under your garage door while rats chew your ears? God you nerds make me sick.

So anyway, IMG. He’s ok, I guess. Whatever.

Oh, that's so funny, dude!  +1!!1!

MKM > Tebow as a Deadspin Commenter > Same Sad Echo